He Knows Everything About You

have you ever wondered how well God really knows you? He's suppose to know everything about you, even the things you don't tell anyone. yet i've realized, especially when things don't seem to be working out my way, i starting doubting how well God really knows me. if He knows, then why aren't things working out? 

the problem? what i want might not always be the best for me. which is why sometimes, things don't go right, and i might get disappointed, upset, even furious some times. but ultimately, He sees the big picture and only lets me have the best. 

this past week has taught me that lesson. well, more like a reminder because i've been taught one time too many.. the first event of spring break for me was a counselors retreat out at camp. a time for us to get to know each other and have a blast. it was there that i found out that ropes training, which was suppose to be my plans for spring break, was cancelled. and i was just really bummed about it. it was one of the reasons i wanted to work out at camp, and it just really crushed me. 

why? it was too late to join my friends on the spring break trip to colorado, something i had to turn down because of camp. and now i basically had nothing to do all break long. how boring. but clearly, God had better plans because late Sunday night/ Monday morning, because of my own stupidity, i ended up dislocating my shoulder. which would mean, if ropes training was not cancelled, i wouldn't have been able to participate due to my dislocated shoulder. which would have made me even more frustrated than i was about the cancelled training. 

right until break started, i was exhausted from school. and turns out, not having anything to do this week, just doing a little here and there, and sleeping. lots, was the rest that i really needed. and i've not told anyone, but i've struggled with loneliness the past few months, not because i dont have friends here. but because i miss my friends that i was really close to from high school and some others from back home. and in the strangest ways, i've been able to talk to them this past week and that alone has made me fell so much better. 

so yes, God does know me. everything about me. and i'm pretty sure He knows you too. so next time you think that He doesn't care about your life, pause a second and think about how things in your life has worked out when you least expect it to. it's not because of luck, it's because God allowed it to be. :) 

What Does God Want?

what does God want? sometimes the thought of asking what God wants for your life can be a scary thought. i know it scares me. mostly because my greatest fear is that what He wants, won't be what I want. but then comes the question: who's is better? what God wants for my life, or what i want for my life? 


after living this life for 20+ years, i'll have to admit, trusting God and letting Him do what He wants with my life is a lot better than trying to figure out what i want to do with it. Not just because He knows everything and sees the big plan, but because He's proven to me time and time again that He knows what He's doing. and yes that includes letting me make mistakes and learn from them. 


many times, even when i know God's choice is better, im still stubborn and would rather do things my own way because i dont think i can do what He wants me to do. usually it is that way mostly because that's the only way that i'll learn to trust God and turn to Him for help. but of course i would still make the same mistake every time. 


when i was 8 years old, someone told me i was going to be a worship leader. i paid no attention to it at all because you bet i didn't believe in it. i was just a kid. in my head, being a worship leader meant having to know some kind of music, play some kind of instrument. all i could do at that point was tinkle some notes on the piano which i hated practicing on. so u could probably understand why i thought it was not for me. 


of course God knew what He was doing because here i am 12 years later, doing what i thought was never going to be possible. and it's become my dream because i know that's part of my calling.i look back at my life and i can see that whenever i doubted God the most, He does something crazy that proves to me He knows exactly what He's doing. and many years later, i see that His way was the best way. 


this weekend, i've learned to follow God and the leadership of the Holy Spirit while leading worship and it has really blown my mind. my 2 opportunities of worship leading were worship night at covenant group and at a high school lock in. 


God had impressed upon my heart as i asked Him what was it that He wanted my covenant group to know. it had to be more than just worship. and even when i got the word and i knew exactly what it was suppose to say, i didn't want to do it. if there was one thing i disliked most about worship leading, is that i have to talk. i have to say something, to people and i hate public speaking and know i had to say something that i had no clue if people would be receptive to scared me. n then when it came time for it, i had no choice but to say it, i was shaking real bad. and then for a moment people we just doing what they were told. n then came the song. n something just overcame me. i could feel the spirit just like "rush" through my body and then people were starting to weep. and i was scared. again. cos i didnt know what to do but i felt that i had to change from our 'plan' and stay w the moment. which when i did, i prayed that my co leader wouldnt hate me for that. in the end, despite all my scares, i know that God moved and people were touched and something changed. 


then comes fri night. after a long night playing capture the flag, i was desperately trying to plan worship for the lock in. i dont even know these kids that i would be leading. n it was hard. when 3am rolled around, i decided to just throw something together and then "wing it" so i could get to bed. yeah. that doesn't always work with God. and so for the life of me, despite not sleep the night before, i spent the night tossing and turning, because i couldnt' be at peace with myself about the worship set.  and of cos i would be the smarty pants to try and wrestle with God about it. and then i just said " you know what God, just do it which ever way u want. as long as u tell me what u want, i'll do your way." 


when i dragged myself out of bed hours later, i realized. that's what it was about the whole time. worship is meant to be about God, for God, i had been freaking out so much that i didnt even stop to ask Him what He wanted. all i cared about was putting something together that people would approve of. i made the same mistake with the 2nd worship session for the lock in and when i finally said "God do something!", all the "issues" i was having went away. and i couldnt have felt more stupid. 


and so if you ever wondered if it's ok to ask God what He wants?  the answer is yes. i'm pretty sure He would like it better if you asked Him what He wanted instead of just being so wrapped up around what you want because He does care about you and your life. even if He knows that u're going to make a mistake, He's going to make sure He's there to catch you when you fall because that is the loving Father that He is. 


sometimes when we get what we want, and it goes terribly wrong, we blame God and ask why if He cared, did He allow us to do it anyways? truth is, there are times when only after we fall and learn from the mistakes we made, do we grow. and it could hurt, some things more than others. but He always knows what's going on. and that's why God never lets you out of His sight. when you fall, He's right there to pick you back up. 


life can be a roller coaster. it takes u up, down, spins u around and around. but no matter what life throws at you, turn to the Father and ask "What do you want in my life" and surrender everything to Him. give Him control of that steering wheel and u'll never have to worry about going off track ever. 

Servanthood

over the past week, i was blessed with the opportunity to run the sound board for "CHICAGO the musical" at SC. i jumped into it, even tho it made my schedule extra crazy n i was exhausted. but it is an experience i wouldnt trade for anything. 

the idea of servanthood and loving others have been swimming in my head as of late and the night before the show started, it dawned on me that God was opening a huge door for me. i found myself being comfortable around the cast and crew and even the jazz band. around people that i knew by face and name, never ever spoke to. and by the end of the the last show, i knew i had new friends, people that i enjoyed working with. people that i can now say hi to when i see them. 

one of the things we did with the show was having dinner before each show. so the audience, if they chose to purchase tickets with dinner, would get to have a meal, served by the cast. i found myself landing a hand and i'll have to say, busting tables was a very humbling experience for me. and even tho it was quite a task going back and forth through tables, talking with people, squeezing through tight spaces, working with the cast was a lot of fun. and knowing that people were very happy with the food and service made it all worth while. 

i also found myself ushering because no one else could do it. and even though i was doing things i didn't have to, it just made me happy doing them. knowing that i could help in some way was just so much fun. and knowing that what i did was appreciated after was very rewarding. having theater people say that they would love to have me work with them again meant so much. 

God has showed me how serving others can be rewarding as well. it doesn't always have to be about you. i know i had more fun working this show because i was able to serve others than i ever would if i had chosen to just stick to what i was suppose to do. 

look around you today. is there something that you can do to serve someone? a friend, family, community?